Prefer to listen? Find Ep. 161 wherever you get your podcasts.
No matter how good your intentions are on a night out, there are some people who seem hell-bent on derailing them.
Are they really out to get you?
Do they really want to sabotage you?
Are they really not your friends?
The truth is, it likely has nothing to do with you
And it’s all about them.
We get so worried about what people might think or say when we say ‘Not tonight, thanks’, but in reality, most people are too selfish to actually care about your drinking choices.
I don’t say that to be mean. Your friends aren’t really horrid people, but we’re all intrinsically selfish to some degree; it’s how we have stayed alive for so long.
And you choosing to say no to a drink when others want you to say yes is also selfish. I want you to know that and to be good with it.
You’re putting yourself, your health and your mental well-being first, and that is the best kind of selfish you could be.
But what about your friends?
Why is it that they can sometimes have such a hard time with your choice not to drink?
Why are they doing it, and what can you do about it?
To be fair, no, I don’t think they’re out to get you.
In fact, most people who will try to encourage you to drink at best likely think that they’re doing you a favour and at worst just can’t comprehend your choice.
So who are the well-intentioned but misguided pushers we all have in our lives, and why might they be pressuring you to drink?
First we have the Validator. The validator needs company in their choices. Your drinking validates their drinking. When you don’t join in, they feel exposed about their own consumption.
This is the friend who says, “Uh oh, does that mean I’m not allowed to have one either?!” in that awkward, only half-joking way.
- What they need – Validators need to know that you’re not judging them. That your choices to drink differently aren’t full of subtext about the way they choose to consume booze. They need reassurance that your friendship still exists in a world where your drinking habits might no longer align.
The Includer genuinely believes alcohol creates connection and worries you’ll feel left out. They mean well, but they mistake shared consumption for shared experience.
This is the friend who keeps suggesting different drinks in the hope they’ll accidentally stumble on the magic ‘yes’ elixir.
- What they need – Includers come from a place of love. They are protectors who want their entire flock to journey together. They simply need to know that you are OK. That this is your choice made from a position of power and not one of fear, and they need to know that you’ll still be a part of the gang, even if that looks different.
The Traditionalist: Views drinking as essential to celebrations, networking, or “proper” socialising. Your choice challenges their worldview about how social situations “should” work.
This is the colleague from work who tells you that they’ve been drinking for years and it’s never done them any harm.
- What they need – You can teach an old dog new tricks, but it may take them a minute or ten to learn them. Traditionalists need time and space to get their heads around your choices. There’s no point in battling it out with them and trying to convince them that your way is better. Instead, you need to show them, through your actions, just how well your choices are serving you.
The Host/Entertainer believes their success as a host depends on everyone drinking. Takes your refusal as a personal rejection or judgment of their hospitality or event planning.
This is the person who apologises for your choices – ”Oh, I’m sorry you’re not drinking” – and tries to ‘fix’ what isn’t broken.
- What they need – Entertainers need to know it’s not personal. There’s ego on the line here, and it’s a fragile thing. Be gentle with them, and know that their discomfort is only 1% about you and 99% about them.
The Controller AKA ‘The Alpha’. They feel uncomfortable when people make different choices. They need everyone to follow the same script to feel secure.
This is the friend who pulls you aside to tell you, “You were never really that bad”, and “I’ll stop you before you have too much”.
- What they need – Controllers need to know that your choices will not derail their plans. So have a shot of AF tequila and show them the night is still theirs for the taking.
Standing Firm in Your Convictions
Each one of these personalities needs to be managed differently, but the one thing they all need is for you to be firm in your convictions. Say no, and mean it, or they’ll sense a weakness and pounce!
When you understand that the pressure comes from their needs, their fears, their misunderstandings, you can respond with compassion and understanding rather than anger, frustration or guilt.
This isn’t because your friends and colleagues are bad people. It’s because they don’t yet have all the data. They don’t see things the same way as you; that will only happen over time.
So until then, remember you’re not responsible for managing others’ discomfort by compromising your choices.
You don’t need to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
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