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This might not be the first topic that springs to mind when thinking about a platform dedicated to helping people who want to drink less without committing to giving up entirely, but the truth is that nothing out there works for everybody every time, and that includes moderation.
So that’s why in this post we’re exploring the times when moderation might not be right for you.
Because just as changing the way you drink requires honest, objective self-awareness, I want to make sure that the Mindful Drinking & Moderation in Midlife platform is giving you the same balance I’m asking you to give yourself.
Moderation Is A Choice
I’ll begin by saying that none of what you’re about to hear is meant to contradict the message I’ve spent years sharing with you: that moderation is a skill which can be learned to help you live the life you want.
But just as you wouldn’t try to use a sieve to carry water, there may well be times and situations in your life when moderation isn’t the right skill set, the right tool, for the task at hand.
Moderation is a choice, and part of making that choice is recognising that it isn’t always the right choice for the moment.
Because there is a difference between feeling challenged while you’re learning the skill of moderation – having moments of overdrinking, questioning your choice of technique last night, finding different angles to approach different drinking situations from…
There’s a difference between all of that and having genuine cause to consider whether moderation is the right approach for you right now.
But It’s Hard!
Finding moderation difficult does not, by itself, mean that it isn’t suitable for you.
Most new skills are difficult at first: driving, using the weight machines at the gym, understanding the computer system in a new job.
But with time, practice, and the right support, those new skills become old hat, and you barely remember the worry and intimidation you felt in the beginning.
But while you’re learning, there are going to be times when you’re less confident, less capable or simply not ready to put those new skills to the test.
And that’s when you need to know the difference between when to step back and when to step away.
That doesn’t have to mean giving up. It doesn’t mean you can’t come back to it another time. It just means recognising that this particular moment might not be the right moment to practise that particular skill.
When Moderation Might Not be Right IN The Moment
There might be some social situations that just don’t suit the way you want to moderate.
I’m talking here about the practical, real-life, everyday, in-the-moment situations that you find yourself in, wondering whether or not you’re going to have a drink.
It could be as simple as the venue not having anything you enjoy drinking, or as personal as feeling less able to control your choices around certain people.
If certain people, places, emotions, occasions or dynamics tend to set your moderation Spidey senses tingling and send your usually well-laid plans out the window, then in those moments moderation is likely not right for you, and that might mean deciding not to drink, changing the situation, or simply removing yourself from it until you feel better able to cope with it.
Maybe you don’t meet your boozy buddy at your favourite bar after a completely shitty day at work, and you move your catch-up to tomorrow instead.
Because in that moment, with that specific set of circumstances, you have to ask yourself if you’re really going to be able to stick to your plan to go home after two, or is it more likely that you’ll be going home at two?
That’s stepping back. Stepping away looks different.
When Moderation Might Not Be Right AT The Moment
Looking at the bigger picture, there might be times when moderation is not right for you AT the moment, within the season of life that you currently find yourself in.
When you look at where you are in life right now, all the things you have going on, how much mental and psychological capacity you feel you have to undertake a new challenge, does this feel like it’s the right time in your life to be introducing another thing into your world that you have to think about, consider, work on and adapt to and with?
It might be that you have so much going on in your life right now that thinking about moderation just becomes another task on the to-do list, and you’re trying to keep your list shorter at the moment, and that’s OK.
That doesn’t have to mean you can never consider moderation, and it also doesn’t have to mean that your only other choices are all or nothing.
- Maybe you would be better off taking a clean break for a while, and giving yourself a few weeks’ grace to get yourself in a better place by your own standards.
- Maybe it’s that you do venture into some kind of moderation, but you take away some of the options, and you pick one route, one style of moderation, one technique to dedicate to the next few days or the next few weeks or the next few months.
- Maybe it’s that you look at your diary and decide in advance where and when you want to consider moderating and where and when you’d rather just ride it out and take it easy for a bit.
It’s All In The Timing
Moderation is meant to help you. To help improve your life.
And when you weigh up the pros and cons of the nights when you zebra-striped or counted your drinks or left by 9pm or decided to have none at all – when you put all those together, the sum result should be that no matter how challenging it was, you’re at least somewhat better off.
But if your attempts are leaving you consistently feeling down, constantly thinking about alcohol, unable to manage moments of stress, or drinking even more, then maybe now isn’t the best moment for you and moderation.
And that’s OK.
It’s not a sign of failure, or a judgement on your abilities.
It’s the opposite.
Having the self-awareness to recognise that the thing you want isn’t the same as the thing you need already puts you miles ahead in the game of life.
So give yourself some grace, let go of the shame, and know that ‘not right now’ doesn’t have to mean ‘not ever’.
And know also that moderation is a skill that can be learned, but some skills take longer, require different teachers, or just don’t suit your current lifestyle.
After all, you wouldn’t insist on learning how to tap dance while you’re recovering from knee surgery, or try to learn Mandarin while you’re in the middle of moving house.
Even though this is not about recovery or abstinence, if one of the reasons you want to step away from moderation for a while is that you are finding it overly challenging and that removing alcohol from your life is producing notable physical symptoms, that might be a sign that professional or medical help could be better for you than trying to go it alone.
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