And why that’s likely the wrong question
OR Find ep. 181 wherever you get your podcasts.
Most people don’t want to be sober.
Most people don’t want to never have a drink again.
And most people don’t want to make one choice today that decides the course of every social situation they’ve yet to enjoy.
But, at some point on this moderation journey, you will likely ask yourself if moderation is really the right path for you.
You’ll see a post or read an article that states categorically that moderation is harder than abstinence, and you’ll wonder if it would be easier for you to just pack up the booze for good and call it a day.
But deep down, you don’t feel like that’s entirely the right move for you right now.
The truth is, I don’t think there are any unbiased opinions about whether moderating is truly harder than quitting… including mine.
We are all influenced by our own life experiences, and if you want to know if moderation is right for you, no amount of article reading, podcast listening or well-meaning pop psychology from your mate Charlie is going to be able to answer that for you.
So let’s explore:
- Why so many people think that moderation is harder than quitting
- The real challenges in drinking less vs none at all
- And how to find your own truth in it all
The Biggest Misunderstanding
The thing most people misunderstand is that most people already drink moderately.
But when it comes to alcohol, for some reason, we hear the word moderation, and suddenly it feels like this massive hill to climb.
We start thinking of all the reasons why going for ‘just one’ isn’t possible, and we end up talking ourselves out of it before we ever really give it a go.
And honestly, moderating your alcohol intake is not a simple one-two “I want to moderate, therefore I do” process for everyone.
For some people, it requires effort, practice, and dedication.
And with it will come slip-ups, setbacks, and disappointments.
But just because something is hard, doesn’t mean it isn’t possible.
Look at the lifetime full of hard things you have achieved already.
From learning to walk to learning to drive. From getting that promotion to keeping your offspring alive (and on track), to doing the exercise, to not eating all the cake.
Life is full of hard things; that can’t be your excuse anymore.
So What Makes Moderation Harder Than Quitting?
The most common reason that gets called out by those in the abstinence-only crew is that moderation is a constant self-negotiation that requires ongoing decision-making before and during your night.
- Should I drink tonight?
- How much should I drink tonight?
- What moderation technique should I use?
- If I drink, should I have wine because I like it more and can enjoy the drinks I do have, or should I have beer and make it last longer so I don’t drink as much?
Compare that to the single decision not to drink at all tonight, and yes, of course, there’s a very real difference in the level of effort that’s required to make that one decision instead of five or six ongoing ones throughout the night.
But when you’re choosing to moderate and to take your drinking at a slower pace, the wins don’t come from making just one choice and walking away.
Each decision that you make to drink mindfully, to pace yourself, to opt for low, no or light for this round is a tick in the win column.
And every win reinforces your ability to make the kind of conscious choice that serves you better until it becomes just a part of who you are.
The Question That Matters
After 5+ years of drinking differently, I can promise you, I no longer have to ask myself a raft of questions about every single drinking choice I make.
For me now, it’s one simple question: Do I really want this drink?
And inside that question is all the other thought processes and choices that I used to run through one by one.
But, over time, they began to morph.
- “Shall I have wine or cocktails?” became “Do I want anything at all?”
- “Should I zebra stripe or just stick to mid-strength all night?” became “Will I enjoy all my drinks if I do it that way?”
- And “Will I be able to stop at one or two?” became “Is tomorrow less important than tonight?”
Eventually, all those questions stopped needing their own individual thought process, because they all came down to one thing: Is this drink worth it for me?
Sometimes the answer was yes. And when it was, I sat back and enjoyed every sip, knowing I’d made the choice that served me best in that moment.
And sometimes the answer was no, and I felt equally comforted and justified in that choice too.
But How Do You Measure Success in Moderation?
This is the second question most people ask.
Because giving up completely has a clarity to it. You either drink alcohol or you don’t.
But moderating? Well, that doesn’t have a definitiveness to it.
- What does moderating successfully look like?
- How do I know if I’m doing it right?
- If I have three drinks when I only planned to have two, does that mean I’ve failed?
Moderation doesn’t always have well-defined boundaries, a checklist of achievements and a pass/fail scorecard.
Instead, it depends on the individual, and within each individual, success looks different on different occasions.
This is both a major strength and a huge challenge to the moderating approach.
And by its very definition, it means it’s a process that might not be right for everyone, and it might not be right for you.
If you’re the type of person who likes things to be ‘just so’.
If uncertainty makes you uncomfortable.
If not having a clear marker of achievement makes you feel that no achievement counts, then maybe moderation isn’t for you at this time.
And if that’s the case, then that’s OK; you don’t have to force it.
The whole point of this approach is to find what does work for you, and maybe you do need to start with a clean break.
But if you’re the type of person who thrives with flexibility, who needs to not be boxed into one path, who rebels against the rules, even when they’re your own, and even when you know they’re good for you.
And if you can be open to the possibilities that drinking mindfully can open up for you, then moderation might be the perfect fit for you.
And the beauty is that you get to decide exactly what success in this area looks like for you:
For some people, success in moderation looks like being able to go for one drink and mean it.
For others, it looks like knowing when they’ve had enough and being able to stop before enough becomes too much.
Others look at things from the perspective of the next day and focus their wins on not having to deal with hangovers anymore or being able to stick to commitments they made to their family.
Some people never want to feel drunk again, or want to prioritise their health.
Drinking mindfully means taking the time to think about what’s most important to you and finding ways to keep working towards that goal.
Having a drink here or there, or the odd late night, doesn’t become a failure because the bigger picture is progress, self-awareness and commitment to feeling better tomorrow than you do today.
Working out what success means for you is a big part of Week 4 of the Reset. ‘Drink less’ is far too vague to be useful unless you know what you want that to look and feel like in real life.
Quitting Comes With Its Own Challenges.
It requires a commitment that some people aren’t yet ready to make.
In fact, outside of marriage and parenthood, how often do we ever make life-long commitments?
It requires a considerable change in your identity.
It involves grief for the loss of part of your life that you’re saying goodbye to forever.
It requires building a whole new set of social skills for every situation you’ll encounter.
It means finding new ways to connect with family, friends, lovers, and yourself.
All of that is totally doable. Thousands of people do it every day.
And depending on your current relationship with alcohol and the impact it’s having on your life, quitting altogether might truly be the better option for you.
The Thing To Remember
The point to remember here is this:
When it comes to changing decades of habit around your drinking, moderating is hard; abstaining is hard; continuing to drink the way you have been is hard.
Life is hard.
Choose your hard.
The question most people really need to ask themselves is not, “Which one will be easier for me?”
It’s “Which one will give me the most peace, the most comfort, the most joy? Which one will give me the most life?!”
And then you put all your effort into making that the best path for you.
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